Monday Tweak Session: Open Letter to Kobe

Hey boos! So when I was in high school I was on the newspaper staff. Myself and one of the other staff members came up with the bright idea to create a column of randomness. And just like that, Tweak Session was born. Today's Tweak Session is an open letter to none other than Mr. Brand New Tangy himself, Kobe.


Dear Kobe,

I've sat with this thing in my shandoh for as long as I could but now it's time to speak on you. I see Vanessa finally succeeded in castrating yo ass. Cuz I mean, you couldn't have any semblance of testicles taking pictures that look like these:

Exhibit A


Exhibit B


Exhibit C


My nigga...*Big Martin sigh* What happened to the man who fucked white bitches in hotels for the hell of it? Ok I know it got u in a bit of trouble but real niggas do ignent shit sometimes. Now, this shit right here? You thought it was a good idea. Or you let somebody talk you into thinking it was a good idea. And look where it got you. You out in these streets looking like you about to audition for the role of the good witch or something...

I can't with you. I know yo mama raised you better than that. I can't even put in words what I think was going on in your head. But thanks to my frat brother O.Toussaint, I have some pictures that might do it.




Hmmmm...perhaps you secretly dream of being Mary Poppins? Cuz you definitely look like you swallowed more than a spoonful of sugar...


Or...you always wanted to experience running from Nazi's with a tribe of white kids...



No no I got it! Your entrepreneurial spirit kicked in and you decided to test run the "Head Snuggie"

No? Hmmmmm....Ok ok:

You were staging a silent one man protest for the rights of Muslim women!

...silence. Ok, final guess,


it was a tribute to Mike Jackson!


*sigh* something's telling me I'm missing the mark here.Hell,I tried. Welp, whatever the hell was going on in your head, please make sure it comes out a lot less tangily delicious next time. Saddatay? Saddatay.

Your friend in the Lawd,

Elle