Sex Sundays(on Wednesday): Cunnilingus

Hey boo's! Life has all but slowed down since my last post and so again I'm not posting like I want to, but I promised Mz. Dade I would, so y'all can thank her for this one. Sex Sunday on a Wednesday...I'ma speak on head.

Aight, down to business. Get out ya pencils and take notes. Here are 3 sure-fire ways to make sure you leave ya girl satisfied.

1. Let the Beat Build. Just because the clitoris is the container of all the nerve endings does not mean you zero in and focus on it the whole time. That's like tuning into your favorite show in the middle of it. Yeah you get some of the excitement, but it's always better if you catch it from the beginning. And so you begin with the legs. Sprinkle light kisses along her calves, and plant soft licks on the backs of her kneecaps. Increase the pressure of your mouth and tongue kiss the insides of her thighs. By then she should have let out a sigh or moan of appreciation. That means you're doing it right :-). Suck the outside of her lower lips, then take your fingers and gently spread her lips apart. Now, do exactly as I say: lick and suck EVERYTHING BUT the clit! Do that for about a minute. Know that you're driving her crazy at this point, and there are two things that can happen. #1 she will get mad and grab your head and put your mouth where she wants it and ride your tongue into the sunset of her climax, or #2 she will wait for you to make the move on your own and you will feel in total control. Can't lose with either option.
2. If you can fuck it, you can eat it. This one is mainly for my fellas. Stop acting like you scared to get down and let her get hers. The act of intercourse is over when you nut. Stop being selfish! I promise it won't kill you to eat the pussy. And don't eat it like you don't wanna be down there. We can tell when you're not giving it your all and it's a total mood kill. In the words of my mans Redman: Don't be skurred, it's only pussy!
3. Listen to what she doesn't say. Her body will say more than her mouth could ever tell you. If she's speaking to you, literally and coherently, you're doing something wrong. By the same account, if she's not saying or doing anything at all, you're also fuckin' up. The goal is to keep her moaning. You'll also get physical clues as to what pleases her. If she's grinding her pussy into your face, she likes what you're doing and you're in the right spot. If she's squirming, it's either hurting or you are about a millimeter away from the place she needs you do be. Switch it up to get the desired effect.

I could go on longer, but I'm not revealing all the trade secrets ;-) take these tips into the bedroom and make it do what it do boos! Saddatay? Saddatay.

Singalong Saturday: Real Love

Hey boo's! Real life is getting in the way of me posting as much as I want to, but I'll get better, I promise :-) In the mean time, bust out ya combat boots and fitteds and singalong with me and Ms. Blige. Saddatay? Saddatay :-)

Word Vomit Wednesday

I sit

on back porches at night

glancing at moons that aren't bright enough

and I pray

that today will be the day

that makes the difference

I could reference Buddah when I need peace

but I'd much rather look inside for serenity

in the hope that I'll find it

and one day I will

and it will cover carcasses of dead inhibitions

bury then with the dirt of freedom

and I'll be able to be one

of them people who look back in wonder of how they got over

walk upright without looking over my shoulder

because the past and the future are all working together for the good of the right now

and how that happens I don't know

but I won't run away

be ok I will

and still

stand

or sit

but with renewed purpose

in the land of a million dreams realized

and be at home there.

Monday Tweak Session: ...and I was just like...I pay my taxes :-/

Hey boos! I do and say and think a lot of random shit throughout the day. Normally I keep it to myself but for the sake of my sanity (and so y'all know exactly what type of crazy I am) guess what y'all are gonna get today??? That's riiiight...my innermost thoughts :-) Please keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times. Saddatay? Saddatay.

***When I write, sometimes I pretend I'm fucking the words, impregnating them with my passion, and the poem is our lyrical lovechild.

***I have no clue why heterosexuals deny me, the Kids, and the D(yke) block the right to marry. Shiddd it should a basic human right to be able to lie in church.

***Sometimes I have the inexplicable urge to dress like this:

and sing remixed versions of Little Mermaid songs...

***There's only one person in the world I think is doper than I am...and I only see that broad when I look in the mirror.

***Next time I get some head I'ma stand up after I bust one and scream "YES! IN THE FACE!"

***I pretend I'm Kanye West when everyone's looking.

***One day I'll make a great wife...but I'ma be the best damn side chick I can be in the mean time :-D

***If Lil Kim makes a comeback is she still gonna look like she's auditioning for the job of a clown in Willy Wonka's Asian circus?

***Really. really. Who's idea was it for Chris Breezy to sing the national anthem at the Mayweather/ Mosley fight? Whoever it was shoulda got a raise.

***Why the ugliest girls always scream the loudest when it comes time for pretty girl participation?

:-D love y'all. Have a dope day boo's!

Singalong Saturday: The Greatest Love of All...

You might remember him from the "What's Going Down" episode of "That's my Mama"... lol get ya laugh on boo's, cuz I KNOW y'all know this by heart. Have fun today! I know I'ma get it in! Saddatay? Saddatay :-)

Feel Better Friday: In the Middle of the Storm

Hey boo's! Didja miss me? Please forgive the lateness of this post. I had shit to do with my life today. Anyway On Fridays I decided that when y'all are getting your freakiness from every other blog, I'd try to inspire a lil' bit. Let's get to it. A friend of mine once told me something that resonated with me. She said:

"In life, everyone is either coming out of a storm, going into a storm, or in the middle of a storm."

Today I'd like to share with y'all my thoughts on what to do in the middle of your storm. Saddatay? Saddatay.

The storms of our lives come in many forms. Job issues, relationship issues, health issues, etc. all have the potential to create life forecasts that range from slight drizzles to hurricanes. And what makes it worse is that we never know how bad it's gonna be until we're smack dab in the middle of it. Unfortunately no one truly has the power to see into the future (besides Dionne Warrick and Cher...but that's off topic), so there's no way of really knowing how to deal with these things. And because we're faced with these hostile situations we don't know what to do with, we panic. Start trying to battle the winds and the rains in hopes that if we fight hard enough, our strength will make the storm pass.

But y'all know as well as I do that that bullshit never works. We only end up frustrating ourselves, confusing ourselves, and hurting ourselves more. And, to be quite frank, who the hell do we think we are tryina control the weather anyway?! How.Fucking.Presumptuous of us to think that we are sooooo powerful that simply fighting the elements and willing them away will actually make them leave. Ain't gon happen. That ain't how it works.

Now this is not to say that there's no hope of the storm ever ending. This simply means that it's gonna end on its own time. Fortunately, though, there is a space for us in the middle of the chaos. A space where, even though the mayhem threatens to get the best of us, we can be safe and at peace. Ironically, this is probably the last spot we'd ever think to look for safety, because it is not outside of the storm, it is in the dead center of it.

There will come a time, when you're in the midst of whatever kinda rains that have began to fall on you, that the torrent will seem like it is never going to cease. It will feel like you've entered hell and are confined there forever. And you will see no way out. And you will have only a grain of salt's worth of hope left. And you will have come to the conclusion that you just have to live in the storm. What you don't realize is that at this point, your faith is strongest. You are no longer fighting because you recognize that is is beyond your control. You have entered the safe place, the eye of your storm.

And from that vantage point you can see the melee, but it can no longer touch you like it once did. Things will become different, and, even though you won't quite understand why, you'll be at peace. And that peace will pass through you and around you until the clouds part to reveal the thing you thought you'd never see again: the sun.

I hope this helps somebody feel better. And remember this: the will of God will never lead you where the grace of God can't keep you.

Be encouraged y'all!

Peace

I Can't Even...

I tell u bout our people and the Holy Spirit. Just watch. Big ups to Freshalina over at crunktastical.net for posting this and giving me my 7 laughs for the day.

Word Vomit Wednesday : Land of A Million Dreams

Hey boo's! I'm a poet. And sometimes I freestyle for 10 or 15 minutes and just let the poem be what it is. It's like therapy to me. I call it Word Vomit. And every Wednesday y'all will get some. Saddatay? Saddatay. :-)

I exist in a reality

not in the context of a daydream

played over and over in a head til it seems

the colors are bright enough to touch

and the light is never to much

for those who can't handle the glare

but I do understand the appeal

of placing me in a space where nothing can touch what I am

where I can be perfectly partitioned

sequestered

confined to a subconscious mind

cuz I am something like a fantasy

but you must also account for my humanity

laymans terms: I'm not perfect and never claimed to be

I have thoughts

flaws

feelings

that push to the surface when I'm faced with

things I don't wanna deal with

unrest that leads me to incite revolution

slow motion better than no motion and I'm snail like moving

to a place beyond lucid dreams

vanilla skies can no longer hold me

give me chocolate earth and gravity

the power to choose terrain or galaxies

and I'll decide

but I hope you understand

that I can no longer abide

in fantasy.

Runtelldat Tuesday: Searching for Perfect

Hey boo's! Hope y'all are doing spiffily. Today marks the first Runtelldat Tuesday. We'll explore some real shit from my point of view, broken down the best way I know how. Today we're gonna politick on searching for perfection in a life mate. Saddatay? Saddatay.

I know everybody has this image in their heads of who they wanna be with forever and ever amen. What they'll look like, what they'll have accomplished, what they'll be like, etc. For years we think about this shit...til we meet someone who we think embodies everything our mental perfect partner is. Then we fall in love. Hard. Crown them King or Queen of hearts and walk through the world seeing them through these rose colored glasses. Cain't nobody tell us shit about our boo! lol. And this continues until the inevitable happens: They fuck up.

Now what? There are two ways we deal with this: the way we probably should deal with it and the way we actually deal with it. We'll tackle the latter first.

What We Do

In most cases we're so devastated that our "angel" has fallen from grace that we panic. Go into emotional overdrive, call KeKe'nem to fuck they ass [read: car, clothes, life] up while we chain smoke Newports and sip Hennessey straight from the bottle while listening to Mary J.'s "Not Gon Cry" in the backseat of the hooptie. And that's ok (as long as u don't get caught wreckin' shop and catch a case). What's NOT ok is what happens after the hangover has subsided.

We realize we don't wanna live without them. So we let them explain away their indiscretion and we tell them we've let it go...but that's a LIE. We ain't bit mo let it go. What we've done is tucked it away because we just want our angel back. But see, after our boo has been revealed as human, they've fallen and can't get up. They'll never again be "perfect". And after love's blindness has worn off, we begin to see more and more things we don't like. We nag more, fuss more, cuss more. We're too paranoid to trust again completely, and the relationship that once made us feel like heaven now makes us feel like we're moonwalking on hell. And we're miserable. And then it's over for good and it's all painful and we're scarred.

Now, I can't promise that this next method of dealing with it isn't gonna be difficult, but it will help alleviate some of the drama.

What We Should Do

First off, you're allowed to react. So whatever the situation is you are definitely entitled to feel what you're gonna feel. However, once that's done, you need to take some time for yourself. Go into your quiet place. Watching someone fall from grace is hard, especially when you love them. What you need to do in your meditation is decide whether or not you can live with the imperfect human that stands before you.

If you can't, so be it. Talk to them. Let them know that you cannot get past it and end it as soon as you're sure. Let the person go and work through it until you're at peace. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT get into another relationship until you've found your peace. It'll confuse you and drive your new boo away.

If you decide to stick with them, talk to them. Lay it all out on the table and then LET IT GO. It's not healthy to bring the negative from the past into the future. Allow your boo to be the human that they are and begin to love all sides of them. If they see that you can do that, it may make your relationship stronger.

That's all from me boos. Take what I've given you and RUNTELLDAT. Saddatay? Saddatay.

Monday Tweak Session: Open Letter to Kobe

Hey boos! So when I was in high school I was on the newspaper staff. Myself and one of the other staff members came up with the bright idea to create a column of randomness. And just like that, Tweak Session was born. Today's Tweak Session is an open letter to none other than Mr. Brand New Tangy himself, Kobe.


Dear Kobe,

I've sat with this thing in my shandoh for as long as I could but now it's time to speak on you. I see Vanessa finally succeeded in castrating yo ass. Cuz I mean, you couldn't have any semblance of testicles taking pictures that look like these:

Exhibit A


Exhibit B


Exhibit C


My nigga...*Big Martin sigh* What happened to the man who fucked white bitches in hotels for the hell of it? Ok I know it got u in a bit of trouble but real niggas do ignent shit sometimes. Now, this shit right here? You thought it was a good idea. Or you let somebody talk you into thinking it was a good idea. And look where it got you. You out in these streets looking like you about to audition for the role of the good witch or something...

I can't with you. I know yo mama raised you better than that. I can't even put in words what I think was going on in your head. But thanks to my frat brother O.Toussaint, I have some pictures that might do it.




Hmmmm...perhaps you secretly dream of being Mary Poppins? Cuz you definitely look like you swallowed more than a spoonful of sugar...


Or...you always wanted to experience running from Nazi's with a tribe of white kids...



No no I got it! Your entrepreneurial spirit kicked in and you decided to test run the "Head Snuggie"

No? Hmmmmm....Ok ok:

You were staging a silent one man protest for the rights of Muslim women!

...silence. Ok, final guess,


it was a tribute to Mike Jackson!


*sigh* something's telling me I'm missing the mark here.Hell,I tried. Welp, whatever the hell was going on in your head, please make sure it comes out a lot less tangily delicious next time. Saddatay? Saddatay.

Your friend in the Lawd,

Elle

Sex Sundays: Lesbian Lovin'

Hey boo's! It's time to talk sex. I know most blogs hit u with a Freaky Friday post, but I'm a lil off beat so y'all get Sex Sundays instead. Aight let's get down to business.

Ever since I came [read: was kicked] out of the closet at the ripe old age of 15 I've gotten a LOT of questions thrown at me. Who's the man in y'all relationship? What man did u wrong? My girl like girls too u wanna get some BBQ and get busy? But the question that I seem to get THE MOST is "How do y'all have sex?". And THAT'S the question I'm gonna attempt to answer for y'all today. Saddatay? Saddatay. :-)

Welp, first let me say, if it was just head it would get real boring real fast. There's only so much carpet you can eat before you get cotton mouth.[although 69 never gets old...but I digress] AND it's not just fingering either. Don't get me wrong those two options always get the job done, but often times I find that I don't get the closeness I desire by just getting/giving head. Fortunately for me, that's why two of my favoritest things exist: strapping up and (in Pharrell voice) GRINDING!

STRAPPING UP

Strapping is a method of gettin' busy where one woman wears a harness with a dildo or dong inserted in or attached to it like so:

and uses it to fuck the shit out of another woman. (I don't sugarcoat anything. You'll get used to it). With the strap on, we can be penetrated and flipped into pretty much any "hetero" position. Because the strap on is not an actual part of the womans' body, she can easily reach duracell bunny status and keep going and going and going, thus ENSURING that when she puts her boo to bed, mami is satisfied...which is more than a LOT of women can say about their sexual experiences with men...MESSAGE! It's detachable nature may make it seem like the strap on can only give pleasure to one woman at a time, but that's untrue. There are strap on's available that have clitoral stimulators on the inside of the harness. Similarly there are dildo's available with suction on the base of them. Both are designed to bring pleasure to "Kang Dang a Lang" (aka Madame Wearer of the Strap). Cuz I mean, let's be real, it ain't no fun unless we both get some.

GRINDING

Grinding, when done right, is probably my favorite sex position. It is when two women grind their...hmm...clitoruses?...clitori?...fuck it, grind their pussies together in such a way that their clits rub against each other and they almost ALWAYS cum at the same time . But it's not as easy as it sounds. Often times women try this position and merely end up humping themselves into orgasms on their partner's legs or thighs like a damn bitch in heat. And I mean...if you get your rocks off that way good for you, but I REE-FUSE. I've found that the grinding method that works the best is "the Scissors". The Scissors is a position where your legs represent a pair of scissors, and your partner's legs represent another pair of scissors. You overlap your legs, scoot in, and commence to cuttin'. Don't get it? Yeah I wouldn't either. I can show u better than I can tell you. This is how it should look:

The position on the left works best. The position on the right only cuts off your circulation. Total mood kill. trust me.

Aight I'm sure y'all heard enough from me so I'm out this piece...but not before I give you the Get the Draws song of the day. Take this one into ya bedroom tonight...112 Sweet Love:

See you tomorrow boo's!!! Peace.

Singalong Saturday: Shai "If I Ever Fall In Love"

On Saturday, I rest. :-) Which means I say very little and sing a lot more. But I figured just cuz I'm not talking to y'all doesn't mean y'all can't sing with me, and there, in the aftermath of that thought, Singalong Saturdays were born. Break out ya hairbrushes and put on ya favorite house shoes, today we grooving to Shai!

Allow Me to Re-Introduce Myself

I'm Elle,

and I'm gonna change the world.

Maybe not today,

probably not tomorrow,

but definitely in my lifetime.

And you

get to enjoy the experience

I am an experience

like Grand Canyon mule rides

deeper than pool dives

and if u can't swim

my life guards your thinking

meaning

that if u drown in these words

this experience will save you

and it may heartbreak you

but you will remember

forever

because what I am

is significant and essential

yeah, that's right, you need it

some call me blue magic...

but that's for another reason

that I'll table 'til it's giggity season

Love me

Hate me

I be

obsession

and blessing

ying and yang

north and south pole

bi-axial cerebral dressing

meaning whether you're right or left brained

I invade those spaces

in or out crowd

I be in those places

giving them

what I'm giving you

and by the time that I'm through

I WILL have changed your world

so it may not be today

and it prolly won't be tomorrow,

but eventually, you will be effected

and my mission will be accomplished.

Hi,

I'm Elle,

the experience.